A Mad Biker's Ongoing Tale

Tuesday, January 06, 2004

FOR YOUR ICE ONLY

By Mark C. Still

"Can you make people want to be in Warsaw this winter?"

Wow. Now that's a challenge, isn't it? Yet that's exactly what this Insider writer was presented with one cold, gray Varsovian morn. Who wants to cool their heels in this boring burg? City heat and low elevations blanket our fair city in the cold and wet but lasting snow is something of a rarity. However, the only legitimate reason for boredom is lack of imagination. And the only legitimate response to boredom is to nurture that imagination, by seeking out or creating thrills on your own. This is what Varsovians excel at; for here, anything is possible. Perhaps at no time more so than in the numbing, relentless cold of Polish winters. If you're looking for a welcome - and daring - break from this monotony, the world of extreme winter sports is waiting for you.

Warsaw is a perfect jumping-off point for diverse extreme adventures, tailor-made for our intrepid ice-veined legions. And right now that's just about everyone. How does ice-diving grab you? If that doesn't float your boat, you could take up ice-sailing. How about kiteboarding, ice-surfing, ice-biking or shovel racing? 200 Balling? Maybe permanent Polar Bear Club membership? And if these don't excite you, perhaps a heady mix of 'board, 'chute and tall Tatra peaks will. Let's take a closer look.

UNDER THE ICE
When the Insider first heard of ice-diving we thought it a silly way to create memories, if not contusions, but after we realized it didn't involve simpletons jumping head-first onto the ice we began to see the appeal. That is, if swimming in darkened water a hair's breadth above freezing, covered by miles of an impenetrable lid with only a tiny opening wide enough for a fat man to wiggle through is your idea of appealing.

Piotr Gadecki of Diving Center Nowa AMA spilled his water-logged guts on this, the most claustrophobic of sports. (His boss is Jacek Paradowsk, Poland's premier ice-diver, who literally wrote the book on the subject.) "AMAs" are Japanese chicks who dive for pearls - a risky venture by any means - but replete with the most romantic visions of death-defying. Think Bond girls. Got the image? Good. Now think Bond.

Nowa AMA operates a Centrum diving school, but organizes trips year-round to Mazury and the Baltic coast. Oh, and Egypt every February, for those who want to experience ice-diving without the ice. This month they're heading to ¸anskie Lake, where they'll book into their usual hotel, cut a triangular slice out of the 50-cm-thick lake ice (it's easier to climb out of the water if you have corners to pull yourselves up on), and set to work at creating their play.

Though the water is dark, it's also clear; lake waters settle in winter, clearing away all the murk. That's good. But it's so cold that the regulators - the breathing apparatuses - often freeze solid. And that's bad. But you get two of 'em plus two air tanks and all dives are in tandem with a AMA professional, so a potential textbook "buddy system" rescue is never far away. So that's good. Another buddy waits topside, holding the rope that's attached to both you and your veteran partner. That's very good. But that rope can easily sever on the edge of the ice-hole, and that's very bad. But you get a second line, an "ice screw"... which you don't attach to anything until after the first one snaps. Which is when you decide if you have a set of brass ones or your average garden-variety snowballs.

Naturally, any activity this risky requires licensure by certifiable...er, certified professionals. To this end the Insider asked Piotr why a diver wouldn't want to use that second line as a preventive instead of an emergency measure. "Where's the fun in that?" he replied with a Mephistophelian grin.

Cheers to the brass ones.

OVER THE ICE

For (marginally) drier adventures, the Insider turned to Szymon Gruszecki, the publisher of Hiro Magazine ("Hero" spelled phonetically for the local yocals) - dedicated to extreme sports and "people who do outstanding things."

Maybe you've seen the clips of ice-sailing on Eurosport or ESPN: catamarans on runners, propelled by wind and enormous sails. With Poland's harsh monsoons, speeds of 100 km are not unachievable. (The world record is 170 km). Situated near Olsztyn Jezioro Âwi´cajty in Mazury is a prime locale, but you can accomplish the same 20 km NE of Warsaw at Zegrzyfskie Lake. And, yep - you need a license first. But it sure beats puttering around in a Fiat during rush hour.

Also on Zegrzyfskie are ice-surfers - whose windsurf boards are perched atop skates - and kiteboarders, who harness themselves to small parachutes ("kites") as they board. Gusts of wind and waves can set summer kiteboarders airborne for up to 50 feet and 30 seconds. Contrarily, lack of waves and breakable water below may make for less spectacular wintertime jumps, but that brings the Insider back to its original supposition about ice diving. And licensing? Heck, we don't need no steenkin' licensing.

Drive over whenever the weather is right; it's a big lake but easily accessible by car. Be sure to wave at the hookers stamping their boots near the exits, and the muscular Moscowites in their Mercedes concealed in the nearby trees. Or stop and offer them all a hot chocolate courtesy of the Insider. It doesn't get much more extreme than that.

OVER THE EDGE
The "crazy things mountain people do" are in a class by themselves (too extreme for you, Szymon?). The 200 Ballers take the fast way down the slopes, inside giant rubber balls. Or they fill burlap bags with hay and ride 'em bareback, a-whoopin' and a-hollerin all the way. Szymon assures that the speeds are nothing short of spectacular. City slickers who can't locate sacks of hay or huge inhabitable balls need not despair however: designer snow shovels, molded to hug the contours of the most thickly flannelled-covered derrieres, guarantee a ride to remember.

If none of these set your heart to pounding, you could try ice-biking - with either old-fashioned wheels, or those more creatively designed with skies in lieu of the former. Or snow-blading, which is essentially roller-blading on snow. These sports can be enjoyed right here in Wasaw, anytime there's snow near Welwetowa Hill in Kabaty, or in Park Szcz´Êliwicki. And don't forget to lay in a stock of Ace Bandages. All this is oodles of fun, but dangerous stuff nonetheless. Get proper training and protect your most valuable frozen asset, yourself.

If you want to feel that wild rush adrenaline brings, without dire risk to health and sanity, you could grab friends and bath towels for an extravagant dip amongst the ice floes. This qualifies you for lifetime membership in the Polar Bear Club. Although if you prefer to socialize over the bun warming... I mean freezing, bona-fide clubs can be found north and south. But even this, photos of overweight frolicers notwithstanding, can be dangerous if you're not in good health. Consult a physician before you actually take the plunge, and you won't have cause to regret the dip.

If all of the above still finds you victim to uncontrollable ennui, as a last resort follow our suggestion to strap on a chute and board, and take the most expedient route down a Tatra cliffside. Like they do in the movies... But, nah, nobody could be that crazy.

Could they?

posted by mark 6:07 PM

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